Empathy No. 162

05/03/03, Levitt kitchen, 1:15 PM (approx)

ALLISON: Hey Roderick, you have a minute?

RODERICK: ...What? Oh, what is it?

ALLISON: Sorry if I'm interrupting, you were just sitting there.

RODERICK: Yeah, it's fine. Uh, what do you need?

ALLISON: It's not a big deal, I have a paper due, I thought you could look it over for me real quick. Five minutes, just to be sure I'm not gonna humiliate myself on Monday.

RODERICK: Sure, I can do that. Just give me a minute here. Couple minutes. Oh, um...is my mother still gone?

ALLISON: Yeah, everyone is. Everyone but us has better things to do than hang out here.

RODERICK: Yeah, yeah.

ALLISON: Are you doing all right?

RODERICK: I'm fine.

ALLISON: I don't think so. You know, I was by here a few minutes ago, you were still in the same place, just staring at that phone.

RODERICK: I guess I was.

ALLISON: Is this about your Dad? I heard you got his number. Can I help?

RODERICK: ...No.

ALLISON: So I'm guessing this isn't something you want to talk about, but it might do some good.

RODERICK: Won't help.

ALLISON: You've been trying to call that number for like two months, right? I'm sure it's hard-

RODERICK: ...I don't know what's wrong with me.

ALLISON: Who says there's something wrong with you?

RODERICK: I come down here night or I take the cordless into my room and I stare at it, and...I touch the buttons but my hand shakes I can't press them and I just tremble until I drop it and-

ALLISON: Anyone would be like that! What you're trying to do is scary.

RODERICK: Not like this. No one else is like this.

ALLISON: Can I ask you a question? How long have you been trying to find him?

RODERICK: I don't know, since middle school.

ALLISON: Okay, but how long have you been really, for serious, actively trying?

RODERICK: A little under a year.

ALLISON: So since your Mom got married.

RODERICK: Later than that I guess, but since we moved here.

ALLISON: Thought so.

RODERICK: I know what you're thinking.

ALLISON: Probably. I've never understood you, Roderick, but I think I get this. I think I understand. You really started looking when you started spending time with Dad, right?

RODERICK: It's not-

ALLISON: Please let me finish. I see how you are, sometimes you're happy spending time with him but then you get uncomfortable. And then he springs this adoption thing on you, and...everyone's telling you how great it is, how lucky you are that you finally get to have a father. Jason's telling you that, and your Mom, probably that shrink. And now everyone's thinking of you as Lloyd Levitt's son, and it makes you feel weird.

RODERICK: I'm not like that!

ALLISON: Really? Because that's how I feel with your Mom sometimes. You know, she definitely thinks of me like her daughter.

RODERICK: Yeah, she does.

ALLISON: Pretty obvious. I always liked her, you know, she made Dad happy, but then she wanted us to do things together and it felt weird. I have a Mom, even if she's gone. People always gave me grief because I didn't act the way they thought I should, and then Eleanor comes around, and...half of these people expected me to be outraged, you know, how dare your father replace her and all that crap. The rest of them kept telling me how grateful I should be, how lucky I am to have a Mom again, and all the things I should do...I mean, is any of this feeling familiar?

RODERICK: Yeah. Mom used to go on dates sometimes, and all the adults figured that I should be happy about it. Give up the past, all that junk.

ALLISON: Yeah, all the people saying that probably spend every evening finding out what kings they're related to.

RODERICK: Some of them, yeah.

ALLISON: I get why you want to know your real father, but maybe the reason you're stressing yourself out over this is because everyone's putting these, like, obligations or whatever on you. You've got time, if you found out who he is you can reach out to him any time, right?

RODERICK: I can certainly do that.

ALLISON: And forget all those idiots who think we're acting wrong. They can have an opinion when it's their lives.

RODERICK: Yeah, I can...certainly try this later. You wanted me to look at something?

ALLISON: You don't have to.

RODERICK: I can make the time.